I am exhausted from this week, my sleep once again being interrupted by the magnitude of events. Here it is in the middle of the night and I am once again awake. To be fair to myself, I was asleep but then received a text from a friend who has been dealing with a major emergency with her dog. Thanks to the oilfield her dog somehow got into some of the crap they have left around on her family’s huge cattle ranch in which they are drilling. She had to rush him to the vet this morning, he was seizing and vomiting. He made it back home this afternoon, only to have her rush him back this evening. She loves her dog and I hope he makes it. But now, I am unable to find solace in dreamland.
I have made a mess of the new guy. I have been over needy this week and I am pretty sure I have put him off. I am only writing to prevent myself from texting him just to see if he is busy and can talk. I do not understand the new rules in the single world. Apparently there is a lot of texting that goes on and not much personal conversation. What happened to talking on the phone for hours on end to someone you have an interest in? My single girl friends have told me that this is the new normal and I do not think that I like it. I understand that he is busy but I want more. Then of course, I currently want more out of everything.
I want more security. I want more knowledge. I want more assurance.
I want to be the girl I know. The one who is confident and borderline cocky. The one who rides her horses all the time. The girl who knows what she wants and goes for it. Instead I am a girl in limbo. A silly girl who does not know the rules of the new world she has been forced into by the actions of a stupid boy who instead of digging deep and standing solid, choose to run away from the realities of the life they created together.
I do not like not knowing. Not knowing what will happen to me. Not knowing what will happen to the animals. I do not like not knowing where I will end up. I am pretty sure I will get the house but I do not know if I will get the funds to secure myself a home. I do not know how I will manage to make the income necessary to cover the bills and feed us.
I want to be the girl who is in control and knows. I want to be the girl who is confident of her own abilities, who is self-reliant and poised, instead I am a girl who has made a mess of things with the new guy that she likes. I am the girl who can not sleep and can not see that she has many choices at the moment.
For now, I am a girl who is gone to take a sleeping aid, lay back down and hope that the darkness of the night and the emptiness of her heart overtake her and allow for some much needed sleep so that she can awaken in the morning to take her mother in law’s horse to the vet, have hay delivered and wonder what the hell she is gone to do on a Saturday night.
I can so relate. I used to know. I knew my plans for each year and each day within. I knew I was secure with my husband. I knew who I was and what was imprortant.
And, then, in an instant, I knew nothing.
I hated that limbo. I rebelled against it and tried to exert control again.
Life laughed.
I’ve learned to be comfortable with the uncertainty, especially once I realized that control is an illusion that we hold to out of fear. You don’t know what lies ahead but you can know yourself and know that you will be okay regardless.